our fifth time to say goodbye

If you’re new here, you can read our infertility journey here and my recent update on our treatments here.

I keep telling myself that the grief is easier to handle each time I miscarry, but I’m lying to myself and I know it. And each time, I’m brought to my knees wondering why again and again.

Tomorrow we will say goodbye to our baby, our fifth miscarriage.

—

This was going to be our rainbow baby, our surprise! I had written a blog post last month about our decision to stop our fertility treatments because we weren’t receiving the follicle measurements and the estradiol blood levels needed to have a sustainable pregnancy. And then, two weeks later, I was blown away with a positive pregnancy test. I couldn’t believe my eyes! There it was, a faint + sign staring back at me the day after Mother’s Day. I couldn’t stop jumping up and down with excitement (and disbelief) that we actually became pregnant when we were told that we had a slim chance. We have a fighter! We have a baby. 

I flew to meet Peter and Walter in Florida later that day, and had kept the surprise quiet until the perfect moment. I decided to tell him at our favorite spot, the happiest place in the world, to tell him about our very happy news.

“I’m so happy to be here with my favorite people! And I’m so happy that this is our first photo as a family of four!” It couldn’t have been more perfect.

These pictures, while full of love and happiness, are really difficult to look at.

We were so happy. 

—

“This is an abnormal pregnancy.”

Once again, my body has failed us. There aren’t any words that can take the sting away from losing a baby that was so desperately wanted. There is nothing that can be said to heal my husband’s broken heart. And yet, there are words that have entered my mind that are so damaging, like,

“if only I loved this baby more, he or she wouldn’t have been taken away…”

Finding strength in Him has been more difficult with each baby lost, and I constantly have to remind myself that He has a plan for us. He has a plan for all of us. And he needed my baby more than I did. But knowing that our little one is with Him helps to dry the constant tears and calm the sadness.

I am scheduled tomorrow morning for surgery, and Peter will be at my side. This baby was, and is so loved, even if we knew about our little one for only three weeks. Each time doesn’t get easier, but it does get better.

It is His will.

1 Samuel 1:27-28

“For this child I have prayed; and the Lord has granted me my petition which I made to Him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord; as long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord.”