embracing his plan, whatever it may be

I wanted to give a little update on our fertility journey, and if you haven’t read our story yet I explain it in depth here.

For the longest time I had this idea in my head that Peter and I would conceive easily. And, well, that hasn’t been the case. The past two and a half years have been overwhelming, and by that I mean overwhelmingly joyful, overwhelmingly stressful and every emotion in between. Peter’s master’s program has been difficult enough, and toss in a baby/toddler into the mix along with running a small business…. you see where this is going. Adding to the crazy might’ve seemed, well… crazy, but having several kiddos of our own has been a huge dream of ours. We even bought a car to fit five if we wanted! But that isn’t necessarily in His plan for us.

Yesterday I went back to my doctor to see if there would be any potential ovulation with my doubled-up dosage with this particular drug. The ultrasound showed a single follicle that measured small, wasn’t maturing, and the chances of that follicle releasing an egg are very slim. My bloodwork will come back on Thursday to confirm if my body was even able to release an egg. Last month’s Estradiol blood test showed that I was at a 131, and I need at least 200 to ovulate. And unfortunately, it looks like I won’t be close to the 200 that we desperately need.

Once again, this isn’t our month.

With months of unsuccessful fertility treatments behind us and the uncertainty of Peter’s job location ahead in the next few months,

I’ve decided that it’s time to pull the plug on fertility treatments… for now.

It’s been a difficult decision to make, and part of me feels defeated. Like I didn’t try hard enough, or that I didn’t give other treatments a try. I’ve had friends offer their advice and tricks to get pregnant, but I think it’s time for me to step away from it all. For the longest time I never understood why couples would be ripped apart by fertility struggles; I get it now. The fertility treatments haven’t made me feel like me, like the woman Peter fell in love with 10 years ago next month, and that’s not fair. It’s not fair to either of us. It’s not fair to my friends, and it’s not fair to my family. We may start treatments again in the future, but now isn’t my time. And that’s okay. It’s time to focus on our marriage, to focus on Walter, and to focus on our careers.

I have to remember that He has a plan for us. He might give us several children, or let us be a family of three. But either way, it will all be okay.